Quick update

I realized that I haven't updated as much as I should! In over a month actually... I apologize..

What's new with Miss Anabear?

Well, she's learning to use her arms to the best way she can. She will swing her arms and knock things over, or use her mouth.
She's still working on scooting. It's kind of hit a wall, so we're talking with her therapists about getting something to help.
She still refuses to say 'mama'. Even though she tries. She looks intensely at our mouths as we say it and tries.

When we got home from our last Philly trip we had to change her tube. I think I updated about that. NIGHTMARE! Then about a week ago the tube broke again. Now, Anabelle has/had a straight J tube. And the size she had only came in a tube that had an external portion, 'high-profile'. Like the picture below. Except (obviously) that's not Ana, it's a photo off of the internet. Hopefully I don't get in trouble because of it. :)

So when it broke for the second time in roughly a month, I was done with it! We took her to the ER, because it was after hours. I had the ER call her GI doctor, because I wasn't able to get a hold of her. Finally we talk, and come up with a plan. We switched her to a low-profile GJ tube. The picture below isn't wonderful. I'm not sure why there is an apple in it.. But I hope it makes sense. The very top (where the apple is) is what lays against her belly. Then the balloon (the bottom of the apple) is what is inside her belly, along with the rest of the tubing. That way the only part sticking out is flat. It's wonderful. And since the main issues with the straight J-tube are that they broke on the outside, I am hoping this is much better. Plus, we get to see if she will tolerate food through the G-tube again. We haven't tried it yet, because she's been sick, but it's an option!



We meet with her GI last week. She isn't gaining enough weight. She has a registered dietitian (RD) that comes in before the doc, and we discuss options. It's nice to have that available! She said she'd like Ana to be gaining around 15 grams a day, and she's around 2.5. So she's plateaued. Which is difficult because she doesn't tolerate a high volume of food. And in a larger picture it's frusterating because I'd love her to be on a blended diet (BD). Which is literally food, blended. Then we push it through a syringe to feed her, rather then being on a pump. But we can't BD feed her through her J tube, per her RD. And I'm nervous about trying to feed her again through her G. So we are waiting until she is better to try it out and see if we can't get her on a BD through her G. That way we can add more calories, she won't be hooked up all the time, she's getting REAL food.. just good all around.

Let's see, what else. We are STILL trying to coordinate a procedure. Well. Procedure/surgery now. We're still waiting for them to get their stuff together and do a bronchoscopy and the Botox injection in her neck. We had a meeting with her ENT doc, and he said he agrees that removing her adenoids would be beneficial. So now we're adding that on to it. It's a lot, but it's not the easiest for her to be put under multiple times.. I feel bad for doing so much to her at once, but the risks are less if it's once rather then three separate times. Plus, she gets put under so much already, why not try and combine? But we've been waiting for just the bronch since around December.. so we'll see. I've expressed my frustrations plenty, I just hope they understand.

After we do the all of that, next step depends on the results. If her Pulmonologist thinks that we can move forward with another swallow study, we will. If not, then we discuss. I talked with her ENT, and if the reason she aspirates is other than her just being underdeveloped, then it'd be surgical. And if it's surgical, most likely it's be very invasive surgery. We're hoping not go have to even discuss it further than that. We're hoping her muscles are just immature and need to develop more.

But boy oh boy does that girl love to taste food! A few nights back we had a lazy pizza dinner night. And Alli was sitting on the couch next to Ana, and Ana leaned over and started to suck on her pizza! I was also on the couch, so I let her taste the sauce, and she was in love! She was very upset with me when I had to take it away. She's starting to bite food now. It's amazing, yes, but terrifying for me. I am scared she is going to take a bit and aspirate a whole bit of actual food. AH! I don't think her doctor would be pleased with me. I don't even know really what would happen, I hope she wouldn't choke. But ugh. It's wonderful she understands that's what you do, but terrifying.

Other then those big things, the only other thing is that we are moving! We're moving closer to family, so it will be nice. It's where Kyle and I grew up, so we're happy we get to raise our girls there too. Only downside is we have to switch therapists. Which is a huge downside. Once that I didn't realize until after we had everything set up to move. Not only do we have to start over, but I'm nervous it will take Ana a long time (again) to get use to new people. People that move her and make her work.. She's one determined little girl. If she doesn't want to do something, rarely are you going to get her to do it.

Thanks again for keeping in the loop with Anabear! And the support and love! It's amazing to look back on the past year plus and see how far our little fighter has come! Like I always say, we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you :)

With love,

The Polks



Holland

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo

David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

I learned that this is an old poem. But, I think it will outlast time. I am very fond of this poem. It speaks volumes to our new life that we've accepted. 

I typed out a few paragraphs of how sad and upset I get at times because I realize the difference in development between our older two girls and Anabelle. Then quickly deleted it. I realize that ever so often I get caught up in feeling sad because of the missed milestones.

I need to refocus my attention and energy. Focus on how far she has come.

So much farther than I ever thought was imaginable. Yes, the road so far looks like it needs a little fixing, but we're getting there. 

Unfortunately Anabelle has pneumonia again. They said it was viral again, but gave her antibiotics. Last time they said it was pneumonia and antibiotics would do nothing. Slightly confused. And this time she is much worse. Luckily they discharged her from the ER and didn't admit her though. We have everything she would need at the hospital at home, minus a doctor and nurses obviously. But we have a pulse ox, oxygen if needed, apnea monitor, etc. She is non stop coughing, congested, raspy from crying and coughing, and plain old beat. She can't sleep very well, but she wants to oh so much. It's pathetic. 
Our older two have had this bronchial cough for a month or so now. They did 10 days of antibiotics themselves. But it hasn't done anything. And their noses won't stop running either. I'm curious now if they have some sort of pneumonia too, but their doctor isn't open until Monday. 

Even with all the coughing and not feeling good going around, the girls are still smiling. I just love them. They remind me that it's all worth it. 

Last night before we knew Anabelle has pneumonia, she was just non stop crying, wouldn't sleep, etc. I had no idea what was going on. It was my turn to watch her that night. Kyle and I switch some weekends so one of us can get a good nights sleep and stay sane to help balance out the others lack there of. But this night was horrible. I was up with her until 1:45, then she slept for 3 hours. That's it. Around 1:00 I woke Kyle because I was loosing it. She kept choking on her saliva. No matter what I did she wouldn't sleep. So we decided to take her to the ER. I didn't feel comfortable with just one going with her alone in the back seat due to her choking, so we woke Amelia and Alli, and all loaded up. About 3/4 of the way there we realized she was OUT. Totally asleep. For those that are not familiar with the ER... If you take a baby in who doesn't immediately look like they are sick, they will think you are a crazy overreacting parent. They even told me I overdosed her once.. Yeah, that nurse got a piece of my mind.

Anyway. Since she was out, we decided she must have just been tired and now she is asleep and we'll go home. So we get home, she sleeps until 4:45. I try to deal with it. I don't. I lost my cool. I fought with Kyle (before and after our attempt to the ER), I couldn't figure out why she was acting this way and got mad with her. I realize it was very illogical to get mad with a 8 month old baby. But I did. My tone with her was not a nice one. And today I feel like I deserve the worlds worst mother award. Kyle took her into the ER this time, around 6 AM. They got home around 1:30 pm, and I felt like she was mad at me, like she didn't want to look me in the eyes, let alone in my direction. It could have been that she was just tired, but it didn't feel like it. It felt as if she was holding a well deserved grudge at me for loosing my cool with her last night. It is defiantly my lowest moment as a mother so far. I mean, I get upset with the Milly and Alli, but they are older, they can talk and tell me what's going on usually.. But to get angry with a baby, and come to find out she was acting like she was due to pneumonia! Yep. I earned that award..




Hopefully this ugly bout of pneumonia will only last a few days. We go back to Philadelphia soon, and I'm a little nervous that her doc will say she can't fly if she is still sick. Obviously I don't want her to travel if she is sick either... I just want things to run smoothly. I'm always worried about when that monkey is going to throw his wrench in our plans. Dang monkey is always running our plans...

And thank you everyone for the continued love, support, good vibes, etc. It means the world to us. Honestly. I get a little teary when I think about how many people have helped us get to where we are today. Thank you.


With love, 
The Polks