*Warning: This post is a big, long, fat vent. Basically me feeling sorry for myself. You've been warned*
I am so sick of insurance politics. I dislike regular politics as it is... As I type Anabelle is laying next to me wide awake. Just a few minutes ago she was sound asleep. But then for some reason she had difficulties breathing, and was awoken by them. Now she has to try to fall back asleep, while still not breathing right. You might ask why am I typing instead of doing something to help her. There isn't anything I can do. I think there is something wrong with her nasal passages, making it difficult for her. I've been trying to get her in to see an ENT (ears, nose, throat doc) for a month now, and will have to wait another few weeks. Luckily we do have a feeding evaluation for her on Wednesday, and maybe after they see how badly she is effected they can put a rush on the ENT consult. At least that's what I've been told. I'm just so sick of it. I mean, I pay a lot of money every month for insurance. Granted, since I work for the company I don't have to pay close to what others do, but still.. it's a pretty penny. And when I need them, they bail on me. I have had healthy kids, I've been healthy, Kyle has been healthy... and when I actually have to go into the doctor's and use their services, they disappear. OH! And I was suppose to be able to pick up some medicine for Ana yesterday for her reflux, but somehow the pharmacy has zero information about her. And it's the weekend, so she has to deal with it for a few more days. Doesn't she have enough to deal with here people!?
You might also be wondering why I don't apply for public assistance for insurance... well unfortunately, even on maternity leave, somehow I don't quality. Ugh! So frustrated.
I can't sleep because I am terrified that Anabelle will either stop breathing, have a random bout with reflux, or choke on her spit up, or a number of other things...
I'm just so anxious to get the feeding eval done... She doesn't eat that well with a bottle, and I need to go back to work the day after her eval... Which is terrifying. Also, talking to other moms has helped, but also opened a whole other can of worms for me. They have asked if she has had problems eating, because they see a picture of her and notice her short chin. Without me even saying anything! Their kids have g tubes, or at the very least have had feeding tubes. I'm not a nurse, how am I suppose to do that?! I thought we were out of the woods because she has been breathing and eating on her own, but now I'm worried.
I've been weighing her at home, and she isn't gaining as much as she should. Actually, yesterday she lost a little.. literally, a little. 0.02 oz. She should gain 3/4 - 1 oz a day.
It's frustrating as a mom to sit back and wait for doctors to tell me what's really going on. I'm just worried that they will say she's fine, and to go home you crazy lady.
I think I am having a hard time realizing she isn't 100% healthy and that she is disabled. I know she will be very capable and one smart cookie.. I think it's just difficult to accept that she will face challenges that my other two girls won't have to deal with. The other day I was reading an article about the top 7 things you need to know about a parent of a disabled child. I was reading it, not really thinking. But after I was done, I realized that is me! Each bullet point pointed out some part of my life now. From 'no matter how much sleep I get, I will always be tired', to 'I want to talk about my kid, I don't want to talk about my kid'. There also was a part about being alone. Granted, I have this whole big huge amazing AMC family, and trust me, they are AMAZING! But the article said it best. Sometimes I do feel alone when I see other kids who are not as effected. Again, I know that there are some kids out there who looked just like Anabelle at birth, and are doing awesome. It's just the poor me thing. Sorry. This is my outlet :)
But Miss Anabelle is becoming more alert every day! She tracks us all the time now. She likes to look at her sisters, and they like to make crazy faces at her. Poor Amelia had to keep her distance today. I thought she had allergies, but after her nap she woke up with a 101.4 fever, so I guess it's something else. It's been tough for her, until she felt to sick to sit up that is. She's in with dad sleeping with a sheet and fan. Her fever has come down too. Anabelle's legs are coming down too! When I have her sitting up, her legs can come down further then a sitting position :) Oh, and Alli is crazy as ever.. She is a little firecracker!
Ugh... I am excited, but not, about tomorrow. It means I can get things done, get all of my calls in, appointments, etc. But it also means I have to get my calls in, got to appointments, etc...
Thanks for listening!
With love,
The Polks
No comments:
Post a Comment